Anonymous asked Staff ago Hello.
I am involved in a relationship which may lead to marriage. During our conversations on various religious issues the man spit out the sentence “the woman follows her husband” (I am Sephardic, he is Ashkenazic). For me this is far from simple, in many ways:
1. What is the source of this saying?
2. What power does this determination have? Is it monolithic and subject to no appeals? What if he makes a mistake?
3. In which areas does he have this authority, and in which is there room for an open discussion with the wife?
4. Can he force the woman to be lenient about what she is accustomed to be stringent on for many years?
Thank you for any information on this topic.
Amit
jsadmin Staff answered 20 years ago
Dear Amit,
Any girl who takes upon herself an Orthodox religious lifestyle accepts the viewpoint of the patriarchical family (family life in which the husband/father rules and is the head of the family). Therefore, as a religious girl, your amazement is somewhat surprising and perhaps stems from your excessive naivety.
It is sufficient to read the discussion and terms recalled in the Mishnah and the Talmud to understand that this is the basic outlook of orthodox Judaism:
“A [woman] is always her father’s possession until she becomes her husband’s” (Mishnah, Ketubot 4:5).
“The father is entitled to betroth his daughter [to a man] via money, contract, or intercourse. He is entitled to what she finds, to the earnings from her labors, to nullify her vows, and to receive her bill of divorcement…when she is wed, this transfers to her husband” (Mishnah, Ketubot 4:4). All her money, from work or that which she finds, belongs to her husband or her father.
It is as though the woman were an object transferred from one domain to the other, and not an independent person.
Thus your (religious) partner is correct in saying that “the woman follows her husband.” Rabbi Ovadiah Yossef ruled: “The woman follows (her husband) for his wife is as his body, and she has no connection with her father’s stringencies…this rule arises from the case under discussion, of an Ashkenazic woman with a Sephardic husband, who must follow her husband’s customs, both in leniencies and stringencies” (Responsa Yabia Omar volume 5 — Orach Chaim 37).
For more detail see the essay The Status of Women in Halacha.
Sincerely,
Daat Emet